Reader: Erik Gernand
Erik is a fellow Chicago film maker who got into SXSW. We met up the other day at Starbucks for a brief meeting about the script:
Erik’s notes were primarily on Jeff and Marcus’s relationship. It wasn’t clear why Jeff was still around, and what their business relationship is.
It’s clear Marcus is trying to screw Jeff over. But why? What are the stakes? How do these 2 coexist? If the relationship is: Jeff needs Marcus to get his products out and Marcus needs Jeff to make money (it is), this needs to be clearer.
We need a clearer build to Marcus’s take over. What are the rules of this business in regards to how he’s taking said power. A little more added is all it needs. Don’t go crazy with the details and explanations because that’s not what it’s about.
Jeff takes off all of his clothes while running down the street, this is a symbolic gesture, but it needs to be better defined.
What’s the quitting payoff? He says the whole movie he wants to do something great. Does he succeed or fail? The charity work at the end seems to dance around his want, but doesn’t pay off. Regardless of its turnout, it should be more invention based, and have a definitive pay off.
