Hello, you’ve reached detective Robert Montez. I’m away from my desk right now. Please leave a brief message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks. (beep)

Ha Ha Ha! Hello Montez. It’s your archenemy the Black Widow! Sorry to hear I just missed you. You must be out, searching for my explosives perhaps? You and your bumbling team of humps could search all day, but you won’t possibly find ALL 300 of them. Ha Ha Ha! This city shall be reduced to rubble for a billion years, less you pay me my ransom. You’ve got 72 hours Montez. Black Widow, out!

(24 hours later)
Hello, you’ve reached detective Robert Montez. I’m away from my desk right now. Please leave a brief message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks. (beep)

Well well detective. You lack of communiqué is quite interesting. Perhaps you’re paralyzed with the crushing fear of the Black Widow’s bowl of vengeance jam?! Hmm? Oh, and don’t think finding and disarming all 300 of my hidden bombs yesterday has deterred my plan one bit! Luck favors the stupid too sometimes, to be sure. The ransom still stands! Pay me all, or most of the ransom, or this city will burn! And if you want to continue your little silent treatment, be my guest. Perhaps the media would be interested in a little tape of this conversation? Hmmm? Could cause a citywide panic. Ha Ha! You’ve got 48 hours! Black Widow will have his- (beep)

(24 hours later)
Hello, you’ve reached detective Robert Montez. I’m away from my desk right now. Please leave a brief message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks. (beep)

That is the last time LAST TIME I use a Fedex/Kinkos. Unbelievable. Apparently they are not concerned with a little document called the Bill of Rights and will call the police at the first sign of any ticking package. Unreal! And, I find it very interesting you had time to be interviewed on the news but didn’t have time to call me back. Really?! You can’t check in for 5 minutes, Mr. Big Shot? Well, this little cat and mouse game is far from over! I’m going to be in your neighborhood for a little bit tomorrow. Interested in finally meeting your arch nemesis face-to-face, Montez? You can find me by the trees that cry over a lonely organ’s song, at the devil’s hour. Solve that riddle, and prove yourself a worthy advisory. Perhaps we can even- (beep)

(8 seconds later)
Hello, you’ve reached detective Robert Montez. I’m away from my desk right now. Please leave a brief message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks. (beep)

-The weeping willow trees! The weeping willow trees near the Morris Baseball Stadium. I’ll be there… OK? Devil’s hour. Which is 3 o’clock. Please call or text if you’re running late. I don’t want to be there all by myself looking like a creep. So don’t leave me hanging please. Also, do you know whom exactly at the newspaper I could send these tapes to? I tried dropping them off but the idiot security guard wouldn’t take them without a name. Pretty irritating. Anyway, see you tonight. I’ll be in the black cape and orange Syracuse hoodie. Call me if you need directions.

(12 hours later)
Hello, you’ve reached detective Robert Montez. I’m away from my desk right now. Please leave a brief message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks. (beep)

Unreal. Do you care about this city, Montez? I waited two and a half flipping hours for you near those stupid trees freezing my butt off. My shoes are covered in duck you-know-what! Perhaps the problem is you are scrambling for the full ransom. Fair enough. It’s quite excessive. So, to show mercy on this fair city, I’m cutting my ransom in half, but for the next 24 hours only. Call me in the next day- two days! Let’s do two days- and I’ll graciously accept half: 6,000 dollars. 5,500 is great. OK? So call me. Or this city will perish… this is the Black Widow… bye.

(4 days later)
Hello, you’ve reached detective Robert Montez. I’m away from my desk right now. Please leave a brief message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks. (beep)

OK. I get it. Fine. Sorry to bother you. I guess you’re so great and I’m nothing and you can just ignore anyone you want and that’s OK, right? What ever, I’m over it. I’ll stop calling you and disrupting your delicate genius. I promise. This whole enemy slash archenemy relationship just isn’t working. This is the Black Widow, by the way. I think maybe we rushed into things, I got to clingy for sure, and you did the whole get scared and act like I don’t exist routine. Anyway, I need some time alone to terrorize other detectives and perhaps a mystery novel writer. You know, just kind of be on my own. Um, take care and maybe I’ll see you around, and if you get any packages from me, just ignore them. Thanks, and good b- (beep)

Learned this via Rishi Shah:

Go to the bottom of your Gmail window…

New clip from Master of Inventions. In this scene, Jeff slips into a daydream during a boring meeting…

from Joe Avella on Vimeo.

It’s an homage to the bank scene from They Live:

Become a fan of Master of Inventions! / Join our mailing list

When it comes to no budget independent film making, you will encounter flack from a lot of authority figures:

-Police
-Landlords
-Nosey neighbors
-Property owners
-Drunk Cubs enthusiasts

From years of dealing with these types, I’ve learned the best way to talk your way out of a tight spot is to claim your a film student at (local college, university, or art school). If you want to get ballsy you can say you’re an intern (or whatever) at the Sundance Institute. I did this for a bit, but people would ask a lot of follow up questions and assume I was famous.

I’m in Chicago, so my stand-by is grad student in the Columbia College film program. Art schools are especially nice because no one would expect you to produce a school ID.

Regardless of what school you pick, saying you’re a student creates the illusion that you’re well meaning (I’m sure you are, but most people see cameras and dudes and think you’re up to trouble) AND it’s an ironclad excuse for your lack of proper permissions and paper work.

“oh, really? I can’t film here? Oh, I had no idea. I’m sorry; I’m doing this thing for my film class at Columbia. I didn’t know I needed permission to shoot here. I thought it was cool. My bad. Is it ok if I stay just a few more minutes?”

Most of the time they’ll tell you to leave. Some might be cool with you finishing up as long as you don’t create a ruckus.

I’ve had equipment confiscated by security guards, tapes taken, and cops called on me before. None of which happened with the student excuse. Tell them you’re a student.

Catering is the last thing I want to deal with on set. But people got to eat. Here are a few problems you’ll have to ponder:

- How much food should you get?
- How can you make sure everyone’s specific dietary needs are met?
- How do you ensure the food arrives and is ready in time for lunch?

Here’s your simple answer: Tell everyone to bring their own lunch.

This is a great way to keep everyone fed without spending any money. Office shoots are a bonus because everyone gets access to soda & vending machines and kitchen appliances like refrigerators & microwaves. Plus, we all take our lunch together. This is crucial. Everyone eats at the same time to avoid lunch becoming a 3-hour ordeal. And in the Chicago loop on a Sunday, most places aren’t open, causing a never-ending meal scavenger hunt.

Brown bagging it causes everyone to bring what they like (duh). You don’t have to be on top of everyone’s specific dietary needs. And if their lunch sucks, they’ll blame it on themselves. Ha! Head games…

If you must provide food for a cast, prepare to be a bagel millionaire. Several of my shoots have been catered by Panera bread, and more recently Einstein Bros.

Fellow filmmaker Mike Petrik says:

Don’t go to Panera, they don’t give bagels away anymore because some asshole ate a donated bagel he was allergic to and sued them.
Einstein Bagels will give you everything they have. They are very generous. Just go in like a week ahead of time, and they will write your name on a list. The only thing is they close at 3 pm, so you have to pick up at like 2:50.

Bagel places make a ton in the morning to anticipate a morning rush. What they don’t sell they toss. Simply go into a local bagel place a week before the shoot (the corporate ones tend to be more generous because their employees could care less about giving you their garbage) and ask if they would like to “donate” some bagels to a “student” film shoot. They’ll hook you up. If they say no? On to the next place. Occasionally you can talk them into free smears and coffee too.