I got to review on of my favorite Jams, Regulators by Warren G and Nate Dogg for the site Review a Rap.

Read it now!!!!!

Hello, you’ve reached detective Robert Montez. I’m away from my desk right now. Please leave a brief message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks. (beep)

Ha Ha Ha! Hello Montez. It’s your archenemy the Black Widow! Sorry to hear I just missed you. You must be out, searching for my explosives perhaps? You and your bumbling team of humps could search all day, but you won’t possibly find ALL 300 of them. Ha Ha Ha! This city shall be reduced to rubble for a billion years, less you pay me my ransom. You’ve got 72 hours Montez. Black Widow, out!

(24 hours later)
Hello, you’ve reached detective Robert Montez. I’m away from my desk right now. Please leave a brief message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks. (beep)

Well well detective. You lack of communiqué is quite interesting. Perhaps you’re paralyzed with the crushing fear of the Black Widow’s bowl of vengeance jam?! Hmm? Oh, and don’t think finding and disarming all 300 of my hidden bombs yesterday has deterred my plan one bit! Luck favors the stupid too sometimes, to be sure. The ransom still stands! Pay me all, or most of the ransom, or this city will burn! And if you want to continue your little silent treatment, be my guest. Perhaps the media would be interested in a little tape of this conversation? Hmmm? Could cause a citywide panic. Ha Ha! You’ve got 48 hours! Black Widow will have his- (beep)

(24 hours later)
Hello, you’ve reached detective Robert Montez. I’m away from my desk right now. Please leave a brief message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks. (beep)

That is the last time LAST TIME I use a Fedex/Kinkos. Unbelievable. Apparently they are not concerned with a little document called the Bill of Rights and will call the police at the first sign of any ticking package. Unreal! And, I find it very interesting you had time to be interviewed on the news but didn’t have time to call me back. Really?! You can’t check in for 5 minutes, Mr. Big Shot? Well, this little cat and mouse game is far from over! I’m going to be in your neighborhood for a little bit tomorrow. Interested in finally meeting your arch nemesis face-to-face, Montez? You can find me by the trees that cry over a lonely organ’s song, at the devil’s hour. Solve that riddle, and prove yourself a worthy advisory. Perhaps we can even- (beep)

(8 seconds later)
Hello, you’ve reached detective Robert Montez. I’m away from my desk right now. Please leave a brief message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks. (beep)

-The weeping willow trees! The weeping willow trees near the Morris Baseball Stadium. I’ll be there… OK? Devil’s hour. Which is 3 o’clock. Please call or text if you’re running late. I don’t want to be there all by myself looking like a creep. So don’t leave me hanging please. Also, do you know whom exactly at the newspaper I could send these tapes to? I tried dropping them off but the idiot security guard wouldn’t take them without a name. Pretty irritating. Anyway, see you tonight. I’ll be in the black cape and orange Syracuse hoodie. Call me if you need directions.

(12 hours later)
Hello, you’ve reached detective Robert Montez. I’m away from my desk right now. Please leave a brief message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks. (beep)

Unreal. Do you care about this city, Montez? I waited two and a half flipping hours for you near those stupid trees freezing my butt off. My shoes are covered in duck you-know-what! Perhaps the problem is you are scrambling for the full ransom. Fair enough. It’s quite excessive. So, to show mercy on this fair city, I’m cutting my ransom in half, but for the next 24 hours only. Call me in the next day- two days! Let’s do two days- and I’ll graciously accept half: 6,000 dollars. 5,500 is great. OK? So call me. Or this city will perish… this is the Black Widow… bye.

(4 days later)
Hello, you’ve reached detective Robert Montez. I’m away from my desk right now. Please leave a brief message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks. (beep)

OK. I get it. Fine. Sorry to bother you. I guess you’re so great and I’m nothing and you can just ignore anyone you want and that’s OK, right? What ever, I’m over it. I’ll stop calling you and disrupting your delicate genius. I promise. This whole enemy slash archenemy relationship just isn’t working. This is the Black Widow, by the way. I think maybe we rushed into things, I got to clingy for sure, and you did the whole get scared and act like I don’t exist routine. Anyway, I need some time alone to terrorize other detectives and perhaps a mystery novel writer. You know, just kind of be on my own. Um, take care and maybe I’ll see you around, and if you get any packages from me, just ignore them. Thanks, and good b- (beep)

Coworker: Hey Joe, you got a hair cut.

Me: Yeah.

Coworker: …More like, you got them all cut!

Me: *throat clear*

Coworker: Get it? Because you didn’t get just one hair cut, you had all of them cut.

Me: I understand. Technically what you said was correct, because the word ‘hair’ refers to both the singular and the plural. Like ‘deer’, or ‘fish’.

Coworker: …Man, you’re an asshole.

I’ve spent most of the morning watching infomercials. Generating ideas for the first commercials I’ll be shooting over the next month. Infomercials have a visual language all of their own. It’s interesting to watch something that was created for the sole purpose of selling a product. All artistry that could exist has be extracted, which ironically gives it a uniqueness that could be considered an art form onto itself. Did I mention I’m on my 3rd pot of coffee?

Infomercials are made to present info in a way where there’s no possibility of confusion on what the product is, what it does, and how easy it is to get. Every element (visual or audio) is exaggerated and repeated to infinity to drive every selling point home. Basically, they’re made so if you were either DEAF or BLIND you could still understand completely what’s going on. They sound like radio commercials and look like Bill Hick’s worst nightmare realized.

Here’s a few perfect examples; that are both repulsive and fascinating:
(I didn’t embed the videos because they play automatically and that drives me crazy!)
The Snuggie
Scoop n Grind
Pedi Pistol (note: gross toes!)
Egg Genie